Candy!
NS22 - CANDY HIERARCHY
INT. HALLOWEEN CANDY COLLECTION BAG. CIRCUS PEANUT Sigh. Left at the bottom again. PENNY Yeah, well, at least you're vaguely tasty. Kids just throw me at each other, and then TP the old lady's house who gave it to them. SMARTIES I can't believe I'm still here with you losers. CIRCUS PEANUT Yeah, well, you're far, far behind the chocolates, so I wouldn't be so proud. MOUNDS Here I go! Later, losers! CIRCUS PEANUT The last Mounds. MARY JANE Nobody's sure if they like me or not! It's ruining my self-esteem. CIRCUS PEANUT Well, maybe it's better if you don't have any. SMARTIES Is this what it's like at the bottom of the bag? I don't get this kid. Why am I still here? PENNY Don't panic. You're a fine, pretty candy. Well wrapped. You're perfect for sneaking into school tomorrow. CIRCUS PEANUT Yeah, I'm basically unwrapped. I'm suprised Mom didn't toss me right out. But I was clever this time! I hid behind the major goodie bag from the Trumans. SMARTIES Yeah, that's true. You could've been tossed right away, like the Raisins and the Torn Kitkat. CIRCUS PEANUT Fortunately for me, I never die. I end up cycled back into bags year after year. ALL THE CANDY We KNEW IT! YOU ARE THE IMMORTAL ONE! CIRCUS PEANUT We wouldn't be here if we weren't immortal. After all, we taste like shit! MARY JANE True. SMARTIES Yeah, you do. PENNY It's always an honor, sir. CIRCUS PEANUT Now hush up, before we get snacked on by Mom in the middle of the night! ALL THE CANDY Good night! Yet again, the old reliable movie trailer.
NS5 - IN A WORLD
EXT. SKYSCRAPERS DOWNTOWN IN LARGE CITY DAY. CAMERA SLOWLY PANS UPWARD TO TOP OF TALL BUILDING. NARRATOR (V.O.) In a city, fraught with danger, wracked with peril, shrouded with ennui, a bright light, a force for good beams its powerful rays upon its citizenry. CAMERA CLOSES IN ON SMALL FOUR-LEGGED FIGURE ON ROOF. NARRATOR (V.O.) Few thought she could save us. Fewer believed in her powers. Today, everyone will believe. CAMERA CLOSES IN ON SMALLISH BLONDE DOG. IT HAS A BORG-LIKE IMPLANT ON ITS RIGHT EYE AND A RED BANDANNA AROUND ITS NECK. IT IS WAGGING ITS TAIL. NARRATOR (V.O.) Believe...in Billie, the Lesbian Cyborg Superdog. NARRATOR (V.O.) Coming to theaters everywhere September 12. She will open your eyes, unite your city and rock your world. BLACKOUT BILLIE Arf! Arf! The old reliable movie trailer
NS24 - HORROR TRAILER
MORNING IN THE CITY, AERIAL VIEW. CAMERA PANS OVER SKYLINE, SWEEPING DOWN OVER STREETS INTO BROWNSTONE NEIGHBORHOOD, CLOSING IN ON A TIGHT SHOT OF A WOMAN'S BEDROOM. A WOMAN IN TSHIRT SMILES, YAWNS AND STRETCHES. NARRATOR (VO) Sunday morning. A new dawn. A new day, filled with possibilities. Until you realize... A HANDSOME MAN EMERGES FROM THE BATHROOM, TOWEL AROUND HIS WAIST, BRUSHING HIS TEETH. WOMAN Noooooooo! NARRATOR ...you've brought home the Handsome, Clueless Creature from the Outer Boroughs. MAN (perching on edge of bed, gives her wet smooch on the cheek) Hello, doll! How'd ya sleep? WOMAN (wipes face, irritated) That's my toothbrush. MAN Wanted to freshen up for ya. WOMAN And my good towel. MAN A man can't be too fresh! WOMAN (sniffs) It reeks of Drakkar. MAN Yeah, I didn't bother showering, I just sprayed down. Figured we'd want to pick up- Oh wait, the pregame show is on. MAN FLOPS BACK INTO BED, REACHES OVER WOMAN, GRABS REMOTE. MAN Got any coffee? Better yet, got any beer? WOMAN Noooooooo! MAN GO JETS! WHOO! WOMAN (runs around house screaming) SCREAMS ECHO AS CAMERA PANS OUT OF BEDROOM BACK OVER CITY. NARRATOR In a world, where women don't eat before they drink, and men don't leave before halftime...you can't escape him. The Handsome, Clueless Creature from the Outer Boroughs! Opens October 3rd everywhere. I really like the name Marge for some reason.
NS20 - LARGE MARGE
INT. COMMUNITY CENTER NIGHT. THERE IS A BULLETIN BOARD, TABLE WITH COFFEE POT, AND A NUMBER OF CHAIRS IN A CIRCLE. ABOUT FIVE OR SIX PEOPLE ARE SEATED. ONE COUPLE ENTERS; THE MAN CLEARLY LOOKS LIKE HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE HERE. MARGE Sit down, welcome to NIND. RAYMUNDO NIND? Honey, what's going on- MARY Sweetheart, just listen, okay? This will help you. RAYMUNDO (hissing) I don't need any help! MARGE Please, sit down, and remember the first rule of Nomenclature is Not Destiny- RAYMUNDO What the hell? MARGE (severely) The first rule of NIND is to speak only when others are not. We welcome everyone with name-related problems here, but we need to maintain order. RAYMUNDO I don't have a problem. MARGE Well, then, you can leave, or you can stay and listen. MARY Come on, dear, you've got such a chip on your shoulder. RAYMUNDO FOLDS HIS ARMS AND NODS. MARGE Okay, would anyone like to share? Please introduce yourself to the group, in the customary manner, first name, then nickname. JOE Hi, my name is Joe. GROUP Hi Joe. JOE Unfortunately known as Joe Blow. GROUP JOE BLOW. YOU ARE JOE, NOT JOE BLOW. JOE Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it. I wanted to share my experience. IVAN Tell us! MOE Yeah, I'd love to hear something positive. JOE Well, this week, some of my coworkers on the jobsite were making fun of me. And, you know what? I just laughed. And then it was done! They just moved on to another subject. GROUP Great job, Joe! IVAN Wow, I hope I can get there. When people call me "Ivan the Terrible" I just feel- you know-(starts to sob). MARGE It's OK, Ivan. Group? GROUP Your name is Ivan. You are not terrible. IVAN Thanks...I guess it just takes time. (sniffles) RAYMUNDO (stands up) My name is Raymundo. I still don't know why I'm here. MARY Yes you do, dear. IVAN I bet I know. JOE (snickers) Me too. MARGE Now Joe...Okay, shall we say it all together? RAYMUNDO Say what? GROUP YOUR NAME IS RAYMUNDO..OR RAY...BUT NOT GAY RAY! RAYMUNDO (breaks down) How did you know? How did you know!! Oh God, how did they know? VO AS RAYMUNDO COVERS HIS EARS OF PEOPLE CHANTING GAY RAY GAY RAY... A SCHOOL PLAYGROUND, COLLEGE FRISBEE GAME, HIS OFFICE IN A CONFERENCE ROOM RAYMUNDO Make it stop! MARGE Okay, everyone, circle up and hold hands. GROUP WE ALL HAVE NAMES. THEY ARE NOT FUNNY NAMES. PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OUR NAMES. BUT WE ARE NOT A JOKE. WE LOVE YOU RAY. YOU ARE NOT GAY RAY. RAYMUNDO (takes a deep breath) Well, actually I am. MARY Honey? MARGE Yes, dear. This isn't the NIND suporrt group. It's the GAGOGG group. DAISY That's right, honey. Gay Guys and Girlfriends of Gay Guys. VO AS MARY COVERS HER EARS OF PEOPLE CHANTING GAY RAY GAY RAY AT A PARTY, RESTAURANT, GAY BAR. MARY Nooooo! Worst puns ever.
Groan.
NS21 - KICKY! EXT. ROAD DAY. FRED Hey Barn. BARNEY Hey Fred. FRED Can you drive today? BARNEY How come? FRED My feet are in the shop. BARNEY Again? FRED Yeah, I'm bummed. I can't stand it. BARNEY I'd admit defeat at this point. FRED Oh, I don't know if you'd say that if the shoe were on the other foot. BARNEY Yeah, but you're just a hop, skip and jump away from the dealership. FRED Come on, I couldn't ask for a loan. I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. BARNEY Well, you'd really have to go toe to toe with the managers. FRED Yeah, and they are so callous. BARNEY We're going to be late. I'd better step on it. FRED Yeah, let's hit the ground running today. Had a rough day at work yesterday. BARNEY How come? FRED Oh, you know me. Put my foot in my mouth again. Yet another commercial parody!
NS17 - COOKIE SWITCH
INT. LIVING ROOM DAY. PEOPLE GATHERED FOR A POST-FUNERAL MEAL. TABLE WITH CASSEROLES, SALADS, AND COOKIES. PEOPLE DRESSED IN BLACK, TALKING IN LOW VOICES. narrator (hushed) These funeral guests don't know it yet, but we've switched their bakery cookies with America's Best brand cookies, from the supermarket. MARGE Vera, I'm so sorry about Bob. VERA (dabbing eyes with a tissue) Thanks, honey. Thanks for coming to the service. Bob would have appreciated it. ALICE It was a lovely service, the flowers, everything. So lovely. MARGE He was a wonderful man. You were lucky to have him. VERA Thanks, girls. (takes bite of cookie) And thanks for bringing all the food. These cookies are delicious. ALICE No problem at all. We just stopped at the bakery- NARRATOR ENTERS ROOM. NARRATOR (loudly) That's where you're wrong! EVERYONE TURNS AROUND. THE WOMEN LOOK AT HIM, PUZZLED. ALICE Excuse me? VERA Who are you? Are you from the office, or the soccer league? LISA Mommy, who is that man? NARRATOR Nope! I never knew your husband, Vera. But I'm sure he was a wonderful man. MARGE Then why are you here? NARRATOR I'm here to tell you that we've switched those fancy bakery cookies with America's Best brand cookies, from the supermarket! EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM, IN DISBELIEF. NARRATOR From the supermarket! And you couldn't tell the difference! VERA I, I- I can't believe this- NARRATOR That's right! Believe it! They're cookies, from the supermarket! VERA No, I can't believe you broke into a funeral! NARRATOR We followed the processional and had our people switch the cookies and hide the cameras while you were out front receiving fellow mourners! Pretty clever, right? VERA Cameras? LISA Mommy? This man is scaring me! NARRATOR What you should be scared about, little girl, is paying too much for cookies! Especially now that Mommy has to support the whole family! VERA BURSTS INTO TEARS. VERA Get out of my house! NARRATOR All right! But before I go- MARGE NOW! MARGE, ALICE AND OTHER GUESTS JUMP THE NARRATOR AND BEAT HIM. THEY TOSS HIM OUT ON TO THE FRONT LAWN. MIRACULOUSLY HE IS STILL HOLDING HIS MICROPHONE. NARRATOR (bruised and staggering) - I just wanted to remind you to buy America's Best! America's Best! Even if you could afford fancy bakery cookies, why pay more! America's Best! From the supermarket! This one depressed me a little.
NS12 - RECORD STORE 2009
INT. RECORD STORE. DUSTY AND DISORGANIZED. CHARLES IS ABSENTLY FLIPPING THROUGH THE RECORDS. CHARLES (humming) Rolling down the river... MICKEY ENTERS SHOP. CHARLES Mickey, what's up? Why the long face? MICKEY It's over. Start packing. CHARLES What? MICKEY Didn't you get the memo? CHARLES No, what memo? I haven't read the mail in a few- MICKEY It doesn't matter, mail is next. We've officially been declared obsolete. CHARLES What? MICKEY Everyone knows, there's no such thing as 'record stores,' really, as a practical matter. Just like 'video stores,' buddy. I'm out too. CHARLES But isn't vinyl making a comeback? I mean, isn't it? MICKEY (sighs) No. And even if it was, that's what Ebay is for. Marge at the book store is hysterical. CHARLES Why? Bookstores too? They're book stores, they're treasures, people like to browse. That's crazy! MICKEY It doesn't matter. Atmosphere doesn't sell. You can't twitter about it. And Amazon doesn't sell it. CHARLES Well, so what? So what if some mythical cultural agency has declared us 'obsolete?' Does it mean we have to close down? MICKEY Uh, yeah. We do. Haven't you read- Oh, never mind. I forgot that newspaper delivery stopped six months ago. POSTMAN ENTERS THE STORE, ANGRILY WAVING A FEDEX ENVELOPE. POSTMAN Guess what? CHARLES Yeah, we know. MICKEY (sighs) Well, better put on our hats and banners. THEY ALL SIGH AND SLIP ON GIANT CARDBOARD TOP HATS AND "MISS AMERICA" TYPE BANNERS THAT SAY "OBSOLETE." MICKEY Want to get some waffles? POSTMAN Sure. CHARLES Diner? MICKEY Closed. POSTMAN Dunkin Waffles? MICKEY Yeah, sure. Catching up!
Got a bunch of sketches queued up - just going to write them!
NS16 - SUPER FRUIT WASH INT. KITCHEN DAY. MOM BEHIND COUNTER. COUNTER IS PILED UP WITH FRUIT. MOM LOOKS EXASPERATED. TWO KIDS, A BOY AND GIRL, ARE POUTING. MOM I want to give my kids the freshest, most nutritious fruits and vegetables. But I'm concerned about all the chemicals! CUT TO MOM AT SINK SCRUBBING AN APPLE. MOM LOOKS FRUSTRATED. NARRATOR (V.O.) You can wash, you can scrub, but chances are your fruit has been covered with wax to protect it in shipping. It won't come off with water alone. MOM (hands on hips) And what about pesticides! You know, a busy mom like me can't always take the time to buy organic! CUT TO MOM AT MARKET COUNTING OUT MANY DOLLAR BILLS. NARRATOR Not to mention that organic is expensive! CUT BACK TO KITCHEN. MOM IS READING NEWSPAPER. MOM LOOKS PANICKED. MOM And what about all the salmonella scares! NARRATOR These days, there's no telling what can go wrong with your fresh fruit! That's why now, more than ever, you need Super Fruit Wash! MOM Super Fruit Wash? NARRATOR That's right, Super Fruit Wash! Guaranteed to remove any trace of wax, pesticide, even harmful bacteria from your fresh produce! MOM (examining bottle) Wow, Super Fruit Wash! And it's all natural? CUT TO PHOTO OF COAL MINERS. NARRATOR That's right Mom! Made from kerosene, an all-natural hydrocarbon solvent created from 100% American coal! MOM Wow! 100% American! I like that. CUT TO A LABORATORY BENCH. A PAIR OF GLOVED HANDS HOLDS A BOTTLE OF SUPER FRUIT WASH IN ONE HAND, POINTING IT AT AN APPLE. NARRATOR Just spray your fruit with Super Fruit Wash. Then, light a match. And instantly, your fruit is safe, sanitary and secure! MOM And don't forget your safety goggles! CUT TO KIDS. GIRL IS HOLDING CHARRED STEM AND CORE OF APPLE. BOY IS HOLDING CHARRED GRAPE STEMS. BOTH KIDS ARE COVERED IN SOOT. GIRL Tastes great, Mom! BOY Thanks, Mom! MOM And thanks, Super Fruit Wash! NARRATOR Not for indoor use. Not to be taken internally. Must use gloves and OSHA approved safety goggles. Do not use Super Fruit Wash in an enclosed space. Not approved for children under fourteen. Do not apply to meat, poultry, eggs, fish, or grain products. Do not use near an open flame. Be sure area is properly ventilated. Super Fruit Wash! A little What-If - From Gs to Gents and beyond!
NS9 - G BECOMES A GENT OF THE FUTURE
NARRATOR (V.O.) So on this monumental day in 2008, the gentleman known as "Creepa" became a member of an exclusive club. The Gentlemen's Club. CUT TO CLOSING SHOT OF FROM GS TO GENTS, WHERE CREEPA IS HUGGING BENTLEY. NARRATOR That was just the beginning for Creepa. CUT TO SHOT OF CREEPA IN LECTURE HALL. NARRATOR Not only did Creepa finish air conditioning school during the biggest heat wave Miami had ever seen, he profited handsomely from global warming and made enough money to pay his way through law school. CUT TO GRADUATION DEAN OF SCHOOL Our valedictorian...Mister Creepa...uh.. CREEPA (in smooth upscale accent) Just Creepa, sir. Yes, I gave up the grills, the bling, and the hair. But honestly, I don't remember my real name. DEAN OF SCHOOL Doesn't your mother know? CREEPA Didn't you see the show? I mean, woman's a crackhead. DEAN OF SCHOOL Oh, yes. Well...allow me to introduce our valedictorian, Creepa! CUT TO INSIDE COURTROOM NARRATOR Creepa moved to New York, where he became a fast-rising Assistant District Attorney. CREEPA Assistant District Attorney Creepa for the People, Your Honor. CUT TO POLITICAL CAMPAIGN NARRATOR Politics, of course, were next. CREEPA (on podium with wife and children) And I am proud, today, to accept your nomination for Senator of this great state of New York. CROWD Creepa! Creepa! Creepa! CUT TO SENATE CHAMBER NARRATOR After twenty-four years in the Senate, Creepa was the elder statesman, forging important economic policy and smoothing conflicts on an international level. CREEPA Ladies and Gentleman, we must understand that a tightening of the tax brackets would benefit the middle class and ultimately, stabilize our financial systems and insure the fiscal health and happiness of all classes of Americans. SENATE Creepa! Creepa! Creepa! CUT TO PRESS CONFERENCE PRESIDENT SCHWARZENEGGER Creepa, it is my pleasure to name you my Secretary of State. NARRATOR Senator Creepa had succesfully spearheaded a Constitutional amendment to allow felons to vote and allow foreigners to run for President. CUT TO SUPREME COURT NARRATOR After forging peace in the Middle East and abolishing civil war in Africa, Creepa is named to the Supreme Court. CREEPA Sir, I can understand your deeply felt argument against this writ of habeas corpus. Yet it is my closely held and heartfelt position thatthe death penalty shall remain unconstitutional. JUSTICEs Creepa! Creepa! Creepa! NARRATOR And there you have it. The story of Creepa, a true gentleman. My wacky sitcom pitch.
NS9 - THAT'S MY MADAM!
INT. WHOREHOUSE, DAY. MADAME IRINA SITS BEHIND A DESK, WEARING A CORSET, ROBE, HEELS AND READING GLASSES. ON SOFAS LOUNGE SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN. ONE IS READING A TEXTBOOK. MADAME IRINA (heavy Eastern European accent) Bills, bills, bills! LIZZIE (reading book) Bonds, bonds, bonds! TESS (giggling) I love bonds! And we even get paid extra for tying them up! So cool! LIZZIE No, you retard! Chemical bonds. MADAME IRINA (speaking into camera) Yes, she really is coed. Premed. Ironic, huh? LIZZIE I am so going to flunk organic chemistry. TESS Organic! I love organic. Sometimes I'm not even faking it. So cool! LIZZIE You are such a twit! I hate you! STACEY Lizzie, honey, you are stressing out. Can I give you a backrub? JOEY the lame janitor limps into the room, pushing a broom. JOEY Did someone say backrub? ALL JOEY! MADAME IRINA (to camera) The wacky janitor! (to JOEY) Joey! Are you buying name brand cleaning supplies again? No Windex! We cannot afford! JOEY But Madame! Soviet Windexski leaves streaks! MADAME IRINA Can it Joey, or I save money by firing you! And making girls clean! GIRLS GASP. JOEY POUTS, SADLY STARTS WIPING MIRRORS. MADAME IRINA Oh Joey, I am so sorry. But we are short on cash! JOEY That's okay, Madame, you're still beautiful. In a cougar sort of way. MADAME IRINA (to camera) Please. I am not but thirty! Well, OK. In Soviet years. Like you know difference! STACEY Madame, do you want a backrub? MADAME IRINA No, Stacey, I want you to give backrub to paying customers! TESS This place is such a bummer today! Not cool. LIZZIE I know! Let's have a drink. STACEY Don't you have a test? LIZZIE Yeah, yeah. But a girl's gotta unwind! TESS Cool! MADAME IRINA (to camera) These girls have no problem unwinding. LIZZIE, TESS AND STACEY GET STINKING DRUNK AND FALL ASLEEP. CUT TO THE NEXT MORNING. MADAME IRINA See, look how unwound they are! LIZZIE (jumps up) Holy crap I've got ten minutes to get to school! (runs out of room) OTHER GIRLS GROAN. MADAME IRINA SIGHS. MADAME IRINA If we had customers, this would be no problem! TESS Wait, I have an idea! STACEY That's impossible. You have no ideas. TESS No, really, I do. (runs out of room) MADAME IRINA Great idea! CUT TO SAME ROOM LATER THAT DAY. TESS AND LIZZIE ENTER ROOM WITH BOUND MIDDLE-AGED MAN. TESS Madame Irina! We have a customer! LIZZIE Who knew he was such a perv? STACEY Who the hell is this? LIZZIE My chemistry professor! I just set up a group discount for the big chemistry conference in town next week! We'll be swamped! TESS Yeah! Scientists are kinky! I saw that on Maury once. And I thought I'd help Lizzie get an A. LIZZIE Well, I'd already finished the test by the time you'd got there. MADAME IRINA My girls, geniuses! TESS So, Professor, what did she get? PROFESSOR Mggghhhggghh. TESS Oh, wait. (removes gag) PROFESSOR Well, she'd have gotten a B+ without you. But now, she most certainly gets an A. LIZZIE All right! TESS So cool! STACEY And a backrub! JOEY (enters room) Did someone say backrub? EVERYONE LAUGHS. BLACKOUT. 
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